table for one

I realized I had reached that magic moment on a random Tuesday standing in the produce section.

It didn’t click in my head at the time,  I was simply picking out an avocado and planning my week. Didn’t hit me till I was unpacking groceries, making dinner and debating on spending my evening watching that movie I’ve been wanting to see or start the new book I bought last week.

I had reached it, that comfort within myself being by myself. That I am complete, whole and at peace with who and where I am. That frantic energy of needing to fill my time with outside commitments to feel like I am enough and fulfilled was simply not there anymore.

It made me think back over my day. I had spent most of it on the laptop catching up after a long weekend.  Went over my email, planned my goals for the week, opened the conversation to renegotiate my lease, researched downsizing my car and sent messages reconnecting with a few friends I hadn’t seen in awhile. I decided I needed to set some healthy boundaries with a friend, made a plan to go spend time on a friends boat in late September and shifted my travel plans for my 50th birthday to something I have more inspiration and freedom in planning. That it truly is about celebrating, what I love and ….well me. It hit me that I never hesitated making any of these decisions nor plans and I was completely comfortable going alone if I chose that. The anxiety of  “who” would go with me, that never even entered my thoughts. I had reached the space of having gotten completely comfortable making the choice on what is best for me…on my own without the need for company nor consultation from another person. Not only is that statement incredibly empowering, more importantly, I’m starting to trust myself not to lose me again.

Went backpacking for the first time this last weekend. It was hard, it had beautiful moments full of friendship and laughter. And a bit of me fell in love with the simplicity of it all. I realized at that moment, I am in love with my life, the spaces and relationships I’ve created this last year.  Some call it “self partnered” I call it my “table for one”

I’m ready to start really living, not waiting for what is going to happen to me.

I’ve been resistant to sharing my space but I’m starting to miss those bead-head, two coffee mugs snuggled under the covers, moments.  At this point in my life, I have no want for titles or white picket fences but I have discovered this lingering desire to feel wanted by another. I am hungry for real connection and intimacy. 

So living a year of “letting go of all expectations and being in the moment”, has left me wanting someone amazing to actually expect something of me.

I’m looking forward to the day when someone who shares my curiosity and passion leans over and whispers in my ear, “I got you” in every sense. 

In the meantime, I am the proud owner of a new backpack that I’m itching to put to good use and have been googling locations for trips to come. 

So cheers to my table for one. It has served me well, but it's now time to get vulnerable and allow someone to pull up a chair. 

“There is nothing prettier in the whole wide world than a girl in love with every breath she takes” 

Atticus