dusty thoughts
When my girlfriend called, and said to me I need you to meet me in Reno, it's time to take Jade (her beautiful green sprinter van) on her maiden playa voyage, I was totally in. Burning Man 2021 had been canceled... but had it really??? A gathering of sorts was in the works. Some have called it the "People's Burn" and others the "Renegade Burn", but regardless of its title and lack of any formal organization, we were headed to the dust and all the possibility of Black Rock City.
I'm not sure just why, maybe it's the harshness of the desert but being on the Playa tends to bring everything about your life into a very vivid focus. You can't hide in your own crap on the playa. My first year at the burn finally happened 15 years after I read about the infamous bike ride, "Critical Tits" in the book "Sand in my Bra". The travel lust part of me knew someday I would do that bike ride. But I was a single mom and the time never seemed to be right. After the utter failure of my second marriage, my daughter was grown and gone and I, unexpectedly single in my late forties, it was time to go. 2019 was going to be my year. That was probably part of the problem, I think I showed up with way too much expectation and this preconceived idea how epic and glorious my first year would be. I had been anticipating this moment for 15+ years and fought to be there. I mean it HAD to be epic right?
I would describe my first burn as lonely. I had no idea the walls I had up around me, how deeply hurt and angry I really was. In the day to day of my life I could put on a brave face, I could pretend I had my shit together. But out there you are seen in ways it is hard to describe. That first year I couldn't even let my own campmates in. In a very strange turn of events through mutual friends, one of the camp leaders began dating my ex husband just weeks before we were to leave. She was not a newbie like me, I had paid my camp fees to her! And I truly think if the situation were different we would have become quite good friends. I didn't know how to let those walls down, to really connect with another human. Vulnerability scared the fuck out of me. I was not whole yet and I suddenly didn't feel all that safe letting my campmates know what I was going through. I was working on getting closure on a very destructive relationship and my campmate was talking about her "new boyfriend". It was very hard to process and reconcile that it was the same person. I had made this pact with myself that I would keep the struggle private, no one at camp would know it was the same man. Looking back I do regret missing the opportunity of really sharing myself with those in camp. I regret not giving them a chance to truly know and appreciate me. A few got snippets of my wicked sense of humor and quick wit and one witnessed the raw pain in my eyes and my ugly crying at the temple burn. I will forever be grateful for her hug that night. My first burn was the heartbreak I needed in order to move from using control when I am afraid to learning how to verbalize when I am scared and embrace the vulnerability that leads to being a wholehearted human who is able to connect with others on a more authentic level. That dusty first year was exactly what I needed to grow into the woman I am today.
This year was different. It was two years later, I had worked through so much, I had let go of so much, I had healed and reached a place of happy. I had finally found myself for probably the first time in my life. And guess what, I liked me. I'm fucking awesome.
What showed up on the playa this year was that I was ok, just as I am. I was accepted just as I am. I do belong to this crazy place we call "home" in my own unique way. It was a very chill burn for me in so many ways. I didn't have to be anything or anyone. I went minimal on costumes, instead I packed comfortable things that expressed me. I explored a few of the days by bike, got completely lost without streets, danced my ass off on an art car and camped with some outstanding people. I had no expectations for myself or others. I had found my footing. I could let others in my world and shared my gifts in ways I hadn't before. It was exactly what I needed this year.
I am so looking forward to 2022, I will be sharing this part of me with my partner. I am ready to share and explore all that is Burning Man, not on my own but with another human that gets me in every way. I'm looking forward to watching him fall in love with the dust in ways he cannot imagine yet. I'm looking forward to watching what he creates, his own gifts and the energy he will bring. It's about so much more that the art and the sunrise dance parties at the trash fence.
It's about the people and all the possibility of what could be.
"It seems to me that, given the problems we are facing on every front - economical, environmental, political - what's needed is a kind of ethical, cultural revolution"
~Larry Harvey
