can the real christie please stand up?

Ever have someone say something to you that just kind of knocks you on your ass?

This moment came over a busy holiday weekend, my daughter turns to me over coffee and shares that she doesn't know who I am anymore. That I have shifted my life and while I thought I was protecting her from all the ugly stuff that comes with divorce, I had inadvertently cut her off from knowing who I am on the other side of it. That she had felt alone and disconnected. That despite her living a state away and being an adult she too felt the loss of friends, home and connection to her people.

Well once I picked my jaw up off the floor and frankly gave myself a slight "I totally suck as a mom pity party" I really started to think about how she was feeling. I swear being a parent you constantly feel YOUR the reason your kid is in therapy! In moments over the last two years, I can say I was protecting her but really it was always me I was protecting. I know I am not the same woman I once was. I am way better. My friends have seen the gradual changes, they know the woman I am today. They have watched me come back alive, step back into the light and reclaim the woman I always was. I just got slightly lost for about a decade. They see the shiny Christie. And I am proud of who I am . How I have shifted my entire life to be more congruent with my values and I continue to courageously move towards the life I want for myself at middle age. So why have I not shared that with her?

The answer to that question is I am terrified. Scared shitless of being rejected by own kid. Of course it doesn't make logical sense. I'm smart enough to know that. However I never planned on my husband after 15 years together, sitting in a therapy session saying to me "I don't even like you, I would not choose you again". I couldn't go back to the 30 something woman he married even if I tried! I was angry and hurt and when I realized I didn't fucking want to, I actually liked who I am. I knew my marriage was over. That was the unrecoverable left turn.

So it's time to stop living two versions of me, the woman I really am and the scrubbed down G rated version I try to tell myself that my family & community would prefer. That's total B.S. It's about time I put my big girl panties on, get vulnerable and let them in on the real me. It's the same pattern I had with control in my relationships, this idea that it somehow keeps me safe. I can't get hurt or rejected if I continue to control the narrative. What it really does is make me disconnected from those I love.

To actually live an authentic life....one must own their authenticity in whatever that looks like, all of it. The good, bad, silly, serious, ugly & beautiful parts.

All of it is me.

So cheers to my daughter for being brave enough to call her mom out and to more real connection in my life this year! Sometimes I feel she has taught me so much more as her mom these last 25 years!