No Shame in being an Island & other somatica lessons

I realized last week that I am changing. This Somatica coaching program is transforming me into this very different, much more self aware version of myself. Me in relationship 10 years ago is so different than me in relationship now.

I thought getting on the table was life changing, but this program rips you open emotionally! I can honestly say this work has brought me closer to probably the most important relationship in my life, the one with myself. I am recognizing and owning my patterns, desires and the impact all of that has had on the decisions I have made over the years. I'm finally starting to put together those elusive "whys" and "oh yahs". I feel so influx on the daily I should be putting on roller skates just to keep up with my thoughts, feelings and the many new concepts I've been getting exposed to in the massive reading list alone!

And while at moments this all sounds a tad disorienting there is also a strange comfort in it. I think for the first time in my life I'm totally good with who I am, I own all of the humanity in being perfectly imperfect. And while I always considered myself fairly well attached, an anchor of sorts, imagine my surprise to realize I am much more avoidant when it comes to relationships, an island. Growing up I was parented in a way that I was left to fend for myself in a lot of areas. And I am not saying this is wrong, my parents did the very best they could. It is what it is. I came from a household with two very hardworking, loving parents. And frankly, I'm fairly typical of a kid born in the 70's down the latch key afternoons! I learned to be incredibly resilient and independent. That has carried into how I attach in my relationships. I need my space to calm, I need to honor my need for independence. I have found when I do that, asking for what I need, it leaves me in a space of being much more open to meeting the needs of those waves in my life.

For me and many of us, shame around sexuality was the norm growing up. We just didn't talk about those things in my family. I was raised in a home that as a girl my sexuality was not my own. Pleasure was not on the menu. Sex was something that happened to me preferably after marriage. My "sex talk" consisted of one sentence when I was 17 years old. "Wait till you're in love, it will mean more". That was it. And as you can imagine as a seventeen year old girl at that moment, I had already been in love multiple times! Not super helpful.

I actually learned about sex mostly by being an avid reader. My teachers, Judy Blume, VC Andrews and Jean Auel. I have always been a very erotic person and have over the years felt the need to hide that energy behind love. Somehow all that desire & my horny self was totally ok if I wanted sex in the name of love. It fit all the Rom Com themes perfectly! I couldn't possibly be a slut if I was in love, right?! Totally explains some of my deepest turn ons and why I have this desire to be adored. I am a product of the cheesy 80's version of sex and romance. I was always waiting for my own Lloyd Dobler holding that boombox outside my bedroom window!

So why when I finally "got the guy", was I always disappointed? Why was I always left feeling there was something missing once the chase was over and the monotony of a long term relationship set in? Where was the intimacy I craved? the real connection? The answer was I needed to the source my own power and sexuality, stop waiting for it to happen to me. I had to become the hero in my own romance. Claim my own core desires. Move out of shame around my sexuality and see it for the beautifully responsive part of me that it is. Once I stopped looking at it as a liability to be hidden and my sex drive suddenly became my super power, well everything began to change. Jack Morin in his book "The Erotic Mind" describes the erotic equation and how our early childhood experiences impact our unique interactions with the four cornerstones of eroticism. I can totally see how the unsolicited and sometimes confusing attention I received as a young teenage girl from men certainly helped develop my desires around anticipation, romanticized longing, this need to be "chosen" mixed in with a good dose of the nautiness and my attraction to being the forbidden fruit. All of it contributes to who I am an an erotic being. And that knowledge about myself is power in having the kind of partnership I've always wanted in my life.

What I am loving about Somatica is how the learning and method is so experiential, the concepts are not just talked about but practiced. It is forcing me as a "sex coach in training" to get really clear on my shit and deal with it. The better I know myself, the better I am able to really make a difference and help others. It's this kind of learning that excites the hell out of me and work doesn't feel like work at all.

My intention is to change people's lives by helping them connect to their erotic selves and see that connection as part of their wellness as a human being. That pleasure & touch is their birthright regardless of age, sex, color or orientation. I want to help people have the best sex lives and relationships ever in my small corner of this planet! I want to be the kind of safe space that friends stop me in the grocery to ask those sex related questions they don't feel they can ask anyone else. So "wholesome Folsom" let's totally talk sex, vulvas & orgasm over the produce section!!

I wake up daily very grateful for this opportunity to shift my life at midlife. I got my business license last week in preparation to taking clients as an advanced Somatica Student. It's both exciting, scary as hell and makes me feel alive. I am a testament that it's never too fucking late to do what you love!

For the first time in my life I feel the power of being 100% in charge of my destiny.

Next week, I'm gifting myself the opportunity to sit on the other side of the coaching equation with a professional Somatica coach. I need to feel for myself what that is like so that I can better develop my personal style as a sex & relationship coach.

Cheers to loving and accepting the island that I am and the self discovery of going back to school!