staying in with no promise
I have sat down so many times to write this blog, I frankly had no idea where to start describing the experience. Then I realized that perhaps that is exactly where I need to begin.
When my friend suggested I attend her women’s sexuality weekend portal I had no idea on the revolution she was starting nor what I was getting into. I have been in this period of reclaiming, refinding and reacquainting myself to who I really am outside of being a mother, wife, daughter and social worker. I have spent my entire life & career taking care of others now at 49 for the first time in my life I have taken a breath and connected with the whole of me. I don’t want to give an impression that I was this lost passive soul, no I have always been a force I just focused it outwardly on my career, motherhood, being the wife, business partner I was supposed to be. I am now in this place of finally honoring the woman I have grown into.
So back to walking into a room full of women I did not know and suddenly found myself feeling this sense of underlying almost tribal connection I had not felt before. I loved by the end of the weekend, I didn’t even know what most most of these women even did for work. We skipped all the superficial surface stuff what I do know is what each are struggling with and how incredibly beautiful woman are in all ages, shapes, colors & sizes.
I was so struck by so many things over the weekend. What shifted for me was how I have been conditioned to compare and compete with other women. And letting that finally go has shifted everything for me. I have been taught not to be happy for my sister in her abundance but rather to look at what am I lacking. It creates this culture of jealousy and never feeling quite whole or enough. I think in the grand design we are meant to support and love other women not see them as a threat. And now when I have those feelings, I first connect with myself am I comparing or competing? Why am I not celebrating my sister? What is coming up for me and how can I redirect those negative messages? It has completely shifted that conversation in my head around feeling too much or not enough. The more I celebrate other women’s abundance I finally feel the liberating freedom to exhale and receive the love and blessings in my own life.
What I loved most about the weekend was that it was not all just talking. I’ve always been a hands on learner. This was completely experiential, I got to feel and touch the topic. My favorite activity was the Art of Adoration. So imagine feeling safe enough to remove every stitch of of your clothing, laying on the floor and for 45 minutes having your body decorated with fruit, flowers and lovingly touched. Nothing returned, nothing expected only focus was on one-way touch; my worth, value and beauty. And I realized as I lay on the concrete floor in the middle of friends house, I had never felt so beautiful. Each certified somatic sex educator would take a picture of you adorned if you left our camera out. It seriously took me hours before I was brave enough to open my pictures on my phone. My first instinct would be to pick apart all of my flaws then find a filter! But for the first time I saw my body in a very different way, my curves were glorious and I do have a really nice rack! I actually go back and look at this picture from time to time to bring myself back to that space where I finally felt back in my body again.
That I am perfect just as I am.
I had no idea at the beginning of the weekend I would walk way realizing when I finally gave myself permission to receive I would feel that intense connection, a shift from inside my body and the true power of being a woman. It went beyond the books I’ve read and the work I’ve done in my therapist’s office. And since I walk, talk, think and and hold myself differently.
Cheers to the divine language of sisterhood, continuing this work and to the badass women in my life!
“There is nothing more sacred, more empowering, more beautiful, than very slowly becoming the woman I was intended to be” -April Green
