Endings, Beginnings & the Great in-between
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”
Elizabeth Gilbert ~ Eat Pray Love
The finality and end of my marriage happened suddenly on a random Tuesday afternoon, but not swiftly. It took almost 3 years to gain my freedom. The energy in the room was palatable when we finally signed and he would neither look nor speak to me directly. I was not angry nor sad. I had reached the point this was not as personal to me, it had become more of a business transaction. I had healed, I was ambivalent. I just wanted the freedom to move forward and live a life that was all mine again. And with a swipe of a pen, after almost three long years of separation and negotiation I was a Watrous woman once again.
What surprised me was the impact it had on my body. I had been in this fight-flight mode for so long I had no idea the stress I had absorbed and carried into my day to day routine. It wasn't till the moment I could finally let down my guard, put away the armor, and take a breath that I finally felt the weight and gravity of the fight. My nervous system had been in overdrive for years. First thing I got after signing the paperwork was a cold, then I just wanted to sleep and eat whatever comfort food sounded good at the moment. I am constantly amazed at the sheer resilience and survival of the human condition. When faced with stress the body moves into flight, flight or freeze. I had experienced and absorbed all three. The weeks that lead up to me leaving, I had begun to feel numb, quietly lonely in my own relationship. It was a response I recognized and it scared me more than anything. I was terrified of checking out becoming this bitter person I didn't recognize full of regret. Once I started to wake up, well only a woman desperately unhappy actually plans to leave her marriage by running away to Bali! I was that woman who just wanted to quietly disappear into the night! Only those friends closest to me know I had seriously made a reservation at one of those coliving spaces in Ubud. Fortunately, the universe intervened on that very, very bad idea before I actually bought a plane ticket. So I stayed, I held my ground reclaiming myself despite all the whispers in a very small town. I have wanted to flee so many times over the last three years. I even had started looking for apartments and jobs in the Seattle area just before Covid.
Staying and fighting for my worth has meant everything. I am now fully living on my terms.
The timing of my "hippy van life adventure" in Maui really could not have been better. The trip was symbolic of sorts. And the fact that this trip was exactly what I had wanted, this moment, the magic of being fully present for this sunrise at Haleakala and having manifested it myself. Well it made being released even better. I have a new beginning, another chance to finally get it right before I leave this planet. Perhaps it's maturity that makes me so very grateful for my freedom, the opportunities before me and I acknowledge the privilege I wake up to daily. Not many people get a third chance of real happiness.
So, as I embark on this new life, this new me, I plan to live it out loud. Let go of all expectation and not give a fuck what anyone thinks. And seriously book that trip, take that chance on love again and always, always eat the cake...life is way too short!
Cheers to new paths, love & adventuring!
